Learn how to effectively use a public toilet in 7 easy steps

I feel like this post could be geared toward toddlers, but I’m really speaking about normal, human adults who apparently can’t function in public restrooms. At this point, some of you people need help, so let’s get started on some ground rules for bathroom-time.

  1. Give others space to relieve themselves in peace. If you’re walking into a public restroom that offers more than two stall options — let’s say, eight stalls — be sure to pick a stall that’s not next to feet. If a door is closed and you can see or sense feet, that means a human is in that stall and looking for some private time. And, you see, private time is not buddy-making time. If you need help making friends, I am happy to assist.
  2. If you decide to apply your makeup or re-apply your makeup in a work bathroom but notice that there’s only one other person in the bathroom (again: you can tell by feet), maybe don’t take forever and a day to adjust your eyes. Dear god, awkward.
  3. If you refuse to use a seat cover or place toilet paper on the seat — and therefore squat — be sure to check the seat for anything you may have left behind before exiting the stall. Remember, other people at work or in the public will use that toilet too. Expecting someone else to clean up your mess is rude and gross.
  4. Do not make chit-chat at the sinks unless you’re already friendly with the people at the sinks. If I’m washing my hands, chances are I’m not washing my hands to make friends. So sorry.
  5. Do not chit-chat with your buddies for eons at the sinks when people are using the facilities. It’s also awkward and no one wants to hear your gossip and/or voice.
  6. Please know that your stall of choice is not soundproof. When you make weird noises and sigh to yourself, other bathroom patrons can hear you loud and clear. And no one wants to listen to someone sighing away in a stall. It’s weird.
  7. You’re an awful person if you walk out without washing your hands or using hand sanitizer, or both. There’s no nicer way to phrase that sentiment. I am always sick. If you cough in my direction, give me a few days and I’ll be hacking away at my desk. If you sneeze toward me without covering your face, please know that I have already tweeted three times about how much I hate you. If you don’t wash your hands after handling public stalls and all the germs that come along with them, though, you’re just absurdly terrible.
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